If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
