Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
