like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
