Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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