I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
