u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
