The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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