Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
