Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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