one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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