guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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