i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
