Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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