i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
