I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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