my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
