so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
