i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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