She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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