Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
