He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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