ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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