just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
did i walk over a car last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
