he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
