Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
