I just made out with a guy for $7.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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