Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
