puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
