He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
