I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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