How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
