Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
