So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
