dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
