Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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