new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
