Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i dont even know how to be here
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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