Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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