it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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