That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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