were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
