i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
