Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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