I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
