When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
