Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
