Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
