It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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