Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
