I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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