She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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