Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
