why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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