If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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