You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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