i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
