You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
