I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
