I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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