Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
