hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
